Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
