Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
