What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
