She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my shit smells like andre
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
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Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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