you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
