your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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