Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
