Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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