oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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