My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
