i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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