I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed