I accidentally had phone sex last night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
