dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
