someone threw a dead crab at me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
