I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize