Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
