chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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