You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
be right there i have to get my cape
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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