Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
