I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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