Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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