Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
