I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
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It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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