Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
