i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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