Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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