So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
