Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
