What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
