I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
