No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
