If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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