At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
