Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
