Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
