I think my fart just growled at me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
