I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
