If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
