Umm I'm too high to move.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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