my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
