Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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