I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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