Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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