Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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