I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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