thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
