Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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