Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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