Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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