if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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