Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
