when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
