Umm I'm too high to move.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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